I dont know if youre the type to make New Years resolutions, or if you just give up because you think they are doomed to failure. Last year, I committed to gaining weight and, guess what? I achieved this goal! I also made a commitment not to crush fitness nuts in the parking lot of the gymnasium, and I also succeeded! So I feel like Im on a roll. Heres what I promise for 2020:
I will check on my aggravation when my friend texts me for the 1000th time that she is an hour late because the traffic is bad, because, apparently, despite 30 years in southern California, she has not yet discovered that rush hour traffic is always requires extra time.
Im going to stop procrastinating. Soon. I will soon stop procrastinating.
The next time I see a big spider web on the ceiling above my bed, I wont spend an hour a day looking for the spider that made it, thinking that maybe I should Something. Im going to get up from my chair, take the broom and remove it. And I wont think about how maybe the spider just fell on my bed and is now taking revenge on it. Sometimes I think most of the spiders in the world have moved into my home because they all tweeted that this lady was too lazy to rip their webs.
I will not shout and curse bad drivers on the highway just because they annoy me. OK, Im lying. I go. But I hope not.
Ill buy a special fly swatter just to hit my adult children on the head every time they make ridiculous statements like, It wasnt me who spilled the sugar on the ground that has now attracted 10,000 ants . I think it will be more effective than just rolling your eyes and grabbing them.
The next time I pay my last heartache to a friend during a meal and they pick up the phone and start checking their email, I wont take the phone from their hand or throw it into the ravine below us.
I will bite my tongue more often. I am no longer invited to a certain friends house because, during a vacation dinner that she rushed from the kitchen to the dining room to serve, her husband seated royally on her throne asked her announced that their son had made a mess and she should come and clean it up. I looked at him and said in front of everyone, Is your arm broken? He did not respond, but it was the last vacation dinner I have ever eaten at their home.
When I am faced with a box of donuts, I will just walk past and feel morally superior to everyone, and I will absolutely not back down and stack five glazes on my plate when no one is watching.
As for donuts, I will not keep hatred in my heart for people who ostensibly cut a donut in half and then go away with it. I wont think of stabbing them with the knife they just used, at least not before I see them do it again.
Im going to get rid of Marcel Prousts Souvenir des Choses Passes box that I keep prominently on my library so that people will think that I am an intellectual, and just admit that I will never read it. It has been around for 25 years, I think I can safely give it away at this point.
I will stop being mortified every time I have to give the key of my old drummer to a valet in a hotel or a chic restaurant, where I always feel that I should apologize for the fact that his hindquarters will have to sit in it. I will not go into a long explanation of why I drive such a big piece of junk food when I am obviously an elegant and sophisticated person.
As I work at home, this year I am going to get out of my pajamas every day at noon, so I am not spoiled by the exterminator who shows up at 3 p.m. and Im still in my robe.
Im not going to call and pretend to be sick so I can get out of my training appointment with my personal trainer.
When I really need to fall asleep, Im not going to lie to myself that its OK to watch just one more episode on Netflix.
Im going to stop pretending that I liked Game of Thrones.
Instead of another travel guide, Im going to read one of the many bright and clever tomes my friends seem to think will interest me because they think Im more interesting than I actually am.
Hows that for a list? What did I omit?
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